I hate you. I hate that I love you.
I loved for you, I hated for you, I stood up for you, I stood beside you, I bled for you, I suffered for you.
You don’t see things the same way I do. I always thought that things were always my fault, but I know now that they aren’t. Nobody is perfect, and I messed up more than I care to admit, but that doesn’t mean you should have done what you did to me. I loved you! I was in love with you. You were my everything.
Do you know how difficult of a road it has been to move on? You always told me that I would never be able to love someone the same way as you, nor would I ever find someone that would love me as much as you do… did you really love me? I haven’t moved on and I don’t know if I ever will. How is that fair to the person I’m with? I want to love him, I want to love him with all of my heart and hold him up like I did with you, but I can’t. I’ll never be able to. Not only have I become an incredibly bitter person, I refuse to put myself into a situation like that ever again. You had total control over me and you don’t even realize. I know that I’m not a terrible person, even when I was at my worst. I did everything I possibly could for you, and even when I didn’t know what to do, I was there to listen and talk, even when it wasn’t in my best interest.
I don’t know what you did in your free time. I don’t know if you actually had sex with those women. You were never ugly, and you know you aren’t even now. Do you remember that time when you mentioned how sex with Ex #1 was amazing and how it kind of sucks with bigger girls, and you were considering sleeping with her? Why did I bring it up at a later date? It was never resolved. I have never been one to bring up things from the past, but it hurt me. Why would you even consider it when you were “head over heels” for me? If I gave you everything you ever needed and more, why would you even consider? I know you always had problems with women, thanks to personal experiences, but how does that give you the right to hurt me?
I kept a lot of how I was feeling inside. I didn’t want to hurt you. I wanted to protect you from the truth… and probably protect myself as well. I was holding onto this fairytale I had created from the way things were in the beginning.
I don’t understand why you ever did what you did. I made a lot of mistakes, but the problem is that you don’t realize how you pushed me to most of them. The Disaster was not your fault and I never did blame you for it. I took full responsibility, and I still do. The constant rush of episodes? I do apologize, I’m nothing like that. I stood for so long without medication, and I did it quite well; I only started to falter because I started depending on you far too much. I was no longer a person, I was a shadow, leaving my body to be nothing more than a shell of what was.
I had lost myself.
But why? Why did you push me? It doesn’t even matter that I have bipolar disorder. I haven’t taken anti-psychotics in a little over 3 months and I’ve been stable. I still have trouble with depression, but as for the other moods, they’re very toned down and don’t make themselves known very often. I’ve surrounded myself with good people that actually care about me and make it known. You knew how to push every button then flip it around on me so it became all my fault.
Why did you try to control everything? You never thought you did, but you’d get mad every time I wanted to see my friends. I went months without seeing anyone, and as soon as I had plans, you suddenly “needed me” and would get angry if I left you. …it wasn’t until I had somewhere to go that you needed me, and the rest of the time, while you did at times talk, you tended to ignore me a lot… You say you didn’t, but you did.
That’s when I started to purposely do things to hurt you. I’m incredibly stubborn, and I don’t always enjoy alcohol, but since you were so against it, when you started getting angry at me, I’d drink. I’d drink a lot. The last time you got mad at me for spending “the end of the world” with the boys, I wasn’t going to drink, but you got angry and refused to talk to me, so I drank, and I drank a lot. There was also the worst place on earth. When I went there… I only did because you made it perfectly clear that you didn’t care about me. At times, I wish I would have succeeded. Don’t forget about the cutting. I think you cared in the beginning, but later on, it appeared as though you didn’t, so it no longer mattered. I still struggle with that… it’s easier to do than to cry.
I don’t know why things were always my fault. I know I did a lot… I said things that ticked you off, I spoke in riddles, I did a lot that you didn’t like, but I respected you and tried to change and mould myself into what you wanted. Unfortunately, I don’t think it was me that you ever wanted. Your dominance took over. You stopped wanting me, you wanted what you could control. You wanted perfection.
I am not perfection.
A lot of things happened between us… some good, some bad, but it’s between us. There are some things I’ve talked about (because if I didn’t, I’m pretty sure I’d go insane), but the important things will never leave our story. We were a book, and maybe we got cut short, or maybe we kept it going longer than it should’ve… I don’t even want to bring up some of the ways you hurt me… I don’t know if I ever want to relive those feelings.
I don’t regret loving you. I don’t regret my time with you. But I do regret the fact that you were too blind to see what was happening. I regret that I lied about being happy when I wasn’t.
Sometimes, I wish we could’ve worked things out. Sometimes, I wish I never met you.
A wise person once told me that love is a risk and every time we find ourselves in it, we’re putting our necks on the line… but it’s better to bleed with cuts of what was, than to have never experienced it.
I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately, and it’s been bothersome. I’m pretty sure what we were ended years ago, we just dragged it on because we were scared (or maybe that was just me), so I don’t feel completely bad for doing what I’ve been doing. And I’m learning… and I’m unlearning things that you taught me. I realized that you lied to me about a lot of things, and you’re also hypocritical about a lot of things… things I’ve recently been learning about you. That big thing you did… it has mentally scarred me, and I don’t know if I’ll ever fully recover. During our last little bit, you were terrible to me.
You made it seem like I was nothing more than chaos, destroying everything I touched, but I’m not. Everyone (including you) is capable of (and will make) making mistakes.
And with what you did recently… maybe you can’t handle the fact that I’m doing well. Maybe you don’t want to realize things of the past.
I don’t know why you ever loved me, but I’m thankful I got to experience something real. I’m sorry for ever hurting you, but I wish you’d realize that you hurt me too.
I don’t like admitting this to myself, but despite everything, I still love you, I’m just not in love with you anymore. Sometimes I hate myself for it, but, well, a wise person once told me that you’ll never stop loving your first love. It’s true. You never stop.
I just realized that you weren’t good for me anymore…
Someone that will always love you.
…even when you hate me and think I’m nothing more than insanity controlled by poison… I hope you find what you’re looking for.