I was never the pretty girl in school, I was never much of anything. That may just be the insecurity and low self-esteem talking, but that wasn’t me. I never got attention from boys, ever. Voldemort (as M has been dubbed) was the only boy that ever showed any interest… well… Gingy did too, but I didn’t really like him.
The past… I’ll say two years, is when things started getting interesting for me. Maybe it’s because I started learning how to take care of myself… dress like a girl… maybe it’s because I wasn’t super shy anymore, I don’t know, but I started getting attention, even if it was only a little bit.
One experience stands out in my mind, but that’s a little too interesting to share.
Even last year, Friendly Giant and I went to a party. I was forced to dance with Tie Guy, another guy wanted to fight FG because of me… that was interesting. Also, drunk FG is interesting. Apparently he’s a boob doctor. Yeah, TOTALLY bringing that up. I trust FG though. I totally slept next to him in my underwear that night… And nothing happened, like always! Take that, weird rumours! And people said I was awkward, ha… okay, I’m extremely awkward, piss off.
After leaving Voldemort, it was as if I had gotten bombarded… not only by people congratulating me on finally leaving, but with worse things…
“Wanna go out with me?”
“Wanna do this with me?”
One of these… directions… I think I chose for myself, and I think it’s the decision I’m choosing, but… how do I know that’s the right one? BL has come back with his feelings he threw at me a year ago; apparently those feelings never disappeared. Tonight, he came out and (what’s with me and attracting gingers?) was talking about it again… I got extremely uncomfortable. I like him and all, but some of the stuff he told me… and, I feel as if I’m doing something wrong. Stupid Voldemort.
Then there’s Grocer, but I don’t want to turn down that path at all. He’s been annoying me for the past… 3 years? “Will you tell me when you stop loving so and so?” …yeah sure, please leave me alone.
Hahaha, then remember the 7-11 guy? He’s always saying nice things to me… kinda creepy, but it works.
I just don’t want to hurt anyone… hurting people is not my forte. I’m extremely bad at it, I feel excruciating guilt. I mean, I still feel bad for leaving Voldemort… which I shouldn’t. At all. But I do, oh, I do… but on the other hand, I hope he’s feeling an incredible amount of pain and I hope he’s suffering like I am. Too much? Oh well.
But I know which route I want to take, it’s just… different. But it’s so intriguing and exciting and fun… new… eccentric…
A little bit odd and a whole lot of bizarre… but I think it’s worth it.
No matter what I do, I’m gonna hurt someone. Why can’t I just hide somewhere and make it all go away? I don’t even know… I need time to think and be alone. But too much time alone and I start to go insane.
I’m in emotional turmoil right now, that’s all there is to it. Anyone that delves into my world is going to have to understand and try to deal with it.