I Don’t Know.

I haven’t decided whether I haven’t cried because I’m still in shock, or if I know my Mom’s a tough lady that can overcome anything.

Yesterday, it became official. Mum has cancer. I don’t know the details because I was at an anti-bullying training session, but I know they have to remove at least one ovary. We don’t really know how bad it is yet, and we won’t know until the surgery. That mass they originally thought was a fibroid?Ā That I got to see, btw.Ā Is actually some sort of malignant mass. But nobody knows why she’s having pain and bleeding. This has nothing to do with it, it’s just a fluke it happened together…

Always right. I hate being right.

* * *

I talked to a man named Shaun from my training session while waiting for the bus. Y’know, being in this group of mentors has semi-restored my faith in humanity. The people are nice and respectful. I’m being included for the first time in… forever, really. In a school setting, I mean.

Shaun seemed really nice.

* * *

I left M.

I can’t, and shouldn’t have to, deal with the things he puts me through. He says things like, “you’ll never find someone that will love you more” and on the day I left, he told me I was “nothing more than insanity controlled by poison.” I guess that’s true to an extent. Well, not really. I’m not insane, and the fact that chemicals in my brain are off… is that really my fault? I’ve been so against medication for so long, but I finally found something that helps. There’s no depression, there’s no mania, there’s no mixed episodes.

Today is day 1 off of medication.

Not voluntarily.

I missed yesterday’s appointment with my psychiatrist. No one was home, and really, after finding out news like that, do I really want to go there? No. But I seriously forgot about it anyway… 2 hours later I remembered though.

So now I’m med-less. I’ve been getting sample packs of which I have to cut the pills in half. I don’t keep the box, I put my pills in a little baggy so I don’t lose them. I have to go to my GP today to see if he’ll be able to either A) give me a sample pack, or B) put that special request through so I can get it. I really don’t want to be off of this medication…

* * *

Being with MISTRESS (changed your name, HA! And you thought it’d be Queen ;)) and Tophat (you stay the same ’cause it’s cool) and this one’s a bit harder, it’ll take some tweaking. Purple Bat? No. FOXY BLUE! No. Well, Tim, I need a new name for you and I can’t think. I could call you purple cuff… that sounds interesting. Or maybe Not-So-Average Man. How about that?

Anyway, being with everyone has been wonderful and made me realize I’m not happy where I am. Was. Whatever. This is the whole reason I left M… I’m surprised I haven’t lost my mind yet. I blame the medication. I’m not depressed, I’m not… I dunno. I’m a bit confused, I don’t really know what I’m doing, but I know the outcome I want… well, sort of. Okay, so I have no idea what I want or where I’m going, I’m just doing it and… I’m on river time, I go with the flow (best line ever, FG).

I realize I’ve started addressing people in my blog rather than talking ABOUT them.

Hi guys!

Now… off to the doctor…



  1. Sorry about your mom. I think you’re right though, she’s a tough woman and will get through. šŸ™‚ Try to stay positive about that even if it’s hard to do.

    About leaving your s/o, anyone who says that bullshit about the person they supposedly love needs to be kicked to the curb. You did the right thing. Be proud of yourself. You WILL find the person you’re supposed to be with.

    Lots of hugs and love to you!

    • You’re right. And you know what? Sometimes positivity is the best medicine. My Nana stayed positive all through her struggle and she lasted much longer than originally thought.

      It’s very hard. I never wanted to call him abusive, we had wonderful times together, but now I can see that some of the things that were said were just very, very wrong, and I wasn’t happy anymore. Faking it doesn’t count! I hope you’re right though.

      Thank you for caring enough to write a response, and such a nice one at that. šŸ™‚

      • Any time. Seriously. Three years ago I had a very large ovarian tumor (as in it was big enough that the surgeon took pics and everyone in her office saw it, and when I came in for check-ups they were like “oh, you’re THE tumor!?”) and I was terrified. One day I’m fine, the next I’m in the worst pain of my life and in the ER being told I have a tumor and need immediate. I’m lucky, mine was not cancerous, but that was the scariest time of my life. Still… I got through it. šŸ™‚

      • YIKES!

        That would be terrifying! I’m glad you’re okay though! šŸ™‚

        I have ovarian issues too, I think the scariest test I’ve ever had to go through was this weird thing to check for cancer – absolutely terrifying! But I got to watch Jurassic Park, so it was okay, lol.

        But yikes! Have you had any problems since?

  2. Thanks. I know what I went through is far, far less scary than the big C though.

    Umm, no major problems. Cramps are worse during my period, and I get phantom pains on the side where they removed the ovary/actual pain from the scar tissue there. The main side effects have been emotional and hormonal. The first 2-3 months after surgery were really hard because all of my hormones had been jiggled around and/or removed. It took some time for everything to get back to normal. I think I had it a little worse being Bipolar, too. I discussed it with my doctor right away, to make sure I didn’t need to go on an anti-depressant for that time to help me out. I didn’t, and some days were bad, but I got through it.

    I don’t know how much of what I experience was normal post-girly parts surgery and what was directly related to my mental disorder, so it’s hard to judge?

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