I haven’t decided whether I haven’t cried because I’m still in shock, or if I know my Mom’s a tough lady that can overcome anything.
Yesterday, it became official. Mum has cancer. I don’t know the details because I was at an anti-bullying training session, but I know they have to remove at least one ovary. We don’t really know how bad it is yet, and we won’t know until the surgery. That mass they originally thought was a fibroid? That I got to see, btw. Is actually some sort of malignant mass. But nobody knows why she’s having pain and bleeding. This has nothing to do with it, it’s just a fluke it happened together…
Always right. I hate being right.
* * *
I talked to a man named Shaun from my training session while waiting for the bus. Y’know, being in this group of mentors has semi-restored my faith in humanity. The people are nice and respectful. I’m being included for the first time in… forever, really. In a school setting, I mean.
Shaun seemed really nice.
* * *
I left M.
I can’t, and shouldn’t have to, deal with the things he puts me through. He says things like, “you’ll never find someone that will love you more” and on the day I left, he told me I was “nothing more than insanity controlled by poison.” I guess that’s true to an extent. Well, not really. I’m not insane, and the fact that chemicals in my brain are off… is that really my fault? I’ve been so against medication for so long, but I finally found something that helps. There’s no depression, there’s no mania, there’s no mixed episodes.
Today is day 1 off of medication.
I missed yesterday’s appointment with my psychiatrist. No one was home, and really, after finding out news like that, do I really want to go there? No. But I seriously forgot about it anyway… 2 hours later I remembered though.
So now I’m med-less. I’ve been getting sample packs of which I have to cut the pills in half. I don’t keep the box, I put my pills in a little baggy so I don’t lose them. I have to go to my GP today to see if he’ll be able to either A) give me a sample pack, or B) put that special request through so I can get it. I really don’t want to be off of this medication…
* * *
Being with MISTRESS (changed your name, HA! And you thought it’d be Queen ;)) and Tophat (you stay the same ’cause it’s cool) and this one’s a bit harder, it’ll take some tweaking. Purple Bat? No. FOXY BLUE! No. Well, Tim, I need a new name for you and I can’t think. I could call you purple cuff… that sounds interesting. Or maybe Not-So-Average Man. How about that?
Anyway, being with everyone has been wonderful and made me realize I’m not happy where I am. Was. Whatever. This is the whole reason I left M… I’m surprised I haven’t lost my mind yet. I blame the medication. I’m not depressed, I’m not… I dunno. I’m a bit confused, I don’t really know what I’m doing, but I know the outcome I want… well, sort of. Okay, so I have no idea what I want or where I’m going, I’m just doing it and… I’m on river time, I go with the flow (best line ever, FG).
I realize I’ve started addressing people in my blog rather than talking ABOUT them.
Now… off to the doctor…