Sometimes I really wonder where my life is going or how things are going to turn out. All of my friends and peers from school are getting married and having kids… usually in the opposite order… and it made me realize all of this stuff. You know, I’ll be 21 next month and I’ve never really had a boyfriend… doesn’t really help the crappy thing that happened, it makes me feel worse… M’s the closest thing I’ve ever had and he’s still not it. We care about each other and I’d love to call him one! But the distance… someone would have to move and thanks to the US being bat-shit insane, that’s hard to do.
I always wanted a family, but because of body issues, I don’t know if I’ll ever have one. Well, that, and the whole process absolutely terrifies me. Seriously, it petrifies me! And not only that, but I have so many questions. And going even further, I don’t want to pass any of this bullshit I have onto a child. Sometimes I think it’s good there’s a chance I can’t have them, I don’t need to ruin anybody’s lives.
And then comes the marriage thing. I’m going to be the last person to be married, I swear. I’m not rushing it, I’m not eager to get married, I’m young as hell, it’s just ridiculous, all of this stuff is happening around me… most of the people I used to call friends had children in their teens and if they’re not getting married, they’re successful. Somehow they had the money to support everything, live, go out and have fun, and do all this stuff. Somehow they managed to get degrees and jobs.
How the hell did they do this? If it weren’t for my parents, I wouldn’t even eat. I can’t even get a job! Man, fuck this town!
I can’t even finish high school let alone become a nurse. Though, they didn’t have to go through 5 math classes just to make it, but still, what the hell? I sit here and wonder how they can afford to go out with their girlfriends (which I don’t even HAVE) and party and do all this stuff… I hate partying. I’ve never been to a club and I’ve been to a bar once, maybe I just don’t understand because it’s not my scene…
I miss being a kid. Things were easier. I wish I could restart. So many things I’d take back, so many things I’d re-do.