Yikes

What is going on with me?

I’m always tired, my memory is gone… That was one of the main reasons I started blogging – to help me with memory. I suppose it helps a little bit, but I wish it’d work a little bit more. Before, it never used to be so hard. Things were easy. I prided myself on being intelligent. Well, I don’t know how I feel now. Memorization doesn’t equal the level of intelligence, I know that now, I know I’m far from stupid, my memory just doesn’t like to work like it used to. I don’t know what’s going on. I honestly believe that bipolar disorder (any type) is progressive. Things keep getting worse and worse…

Did I tell you that my pills can cause infertility?

Yeah. Amazing. I already have one thing working against me, now there’s this, lol. Goodbye any hopes of ever having a family! …not that I want one any time soon.

I got my midterm back, much to my dismay. And uhh, let’s not talk about that. I passed, but not to the degree I would’ve liked…

Stupid memory.

God probably hates me. If he even exists.

My sister helped me with flash cards tonight. Hopefully that will help prepare me for my quiz tomorrow. Even then, I was struggling. We had conversations on certain… see, and even right there, the word would come to me, instead, I struggle, searching my brain for the right word. …definitions and as soon as the card came up again, I blanked. I know what irony means, why can’t I speak it? Why do I suddenly draw a blank? “Irony” has been apart of my vocabulary since I was 5…

At first it was a word on the tip of my tongue here and there, which I always thought was normal. I’ve always had that. But these past few years, everything has gone to hell. I can be having a conversation with someone,

“Hi, Alfred”

“Oh, S! How are you?”

“I’m ________”

“What’d you say?”

Uhhhh… I couldn’t tell you. Then the person gets annoyed. Nobody forgets what they just said less than 5 seconds ago. Whatthef-?!

Is this the pills? Or is this normal? I can’t be losing my memory. It’s all I have. I’m not even 21 yet. And yeah, yeah, I don’t need the whole, “Alzheimer’s affects young people too!” I highly doubt I have that, lol.

Bah.

And if that weren’t enough, everyone around me is suffering. Everything seems to be going wrong. All at the same time.

Well, kick you while you’re down, right?

Holy hell, my back started hurting like mad in my psych class today. I couldn’t get comfortable and was surprised I even walked out of there. My thigh was so sore, it didn’t want weight put on it. Thank the shooting pain for that.Though, I “can still walk” so it’s all good, right? Stupid fracking doctors.

Sometimes, I wish I could be my doctors’ doctor… just so I could do to them what they do to me… Bladder infection? Sorry, just drink cranberry juice, I don’t prescribe medication. Your back hurts? Well hey! You’re still walking, so it’s okay. You’re having heart palpitations? It’s just your pills, don’t stop taking them.

Yeeeeeeeeeahhhhhhhh…

Maybe tomorrow will go better.

Ha, and maybe I’ll win the lottery while we’re at it!

 

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