Today has been weird. I’ve been having a lot of trouble and it all started when I didn’t want to get out of bed. I’m not going to lie, I’m depressed, I’ve BEEN depressed, it isn’t going away. I still get happy, I still act über excited (have I mentioned how awesome of a word über is?) but it’s always underlying. And what makes it worse is the fact that mixed states are the absolute worst. I’d rather be in the worst depression slump I’ve ever had than to feel mixed. While mixed you feel confused, zombified, and well, just string a whole bunch of nasty words together to understand my point.
Why am I depressed? I don’t know. Things are going well at school… for the most part. At times I feel like I’m missing something – did I fall asleep? I didn’t fall asleep, I know that, but I do have the tendency to feel fatuous, why, I don’t know, maybe because I was called stupid for many years and started believing it myself. I’ve been zipping through Math class, taking a test every Tuesday and Thursday, I’ve been completing all of my English assignments, and I’ve been reading everything assigned in Psychology. Things are going fine. Though, my back isn’t liking sitting in those evil plastic chairs for 3 hours straight. Seriously, if you think your back hurts without sitting, try sitting in one of these chairs for 3 hours, it freaking HURTS! So could I be depressed because of my back? I guess so, but there’s more to it… sometimes I don’t even know why I feel that way.
Today I went home early, I had to call my Mom and ask her to come get me. At least I finished my English class, right? I’ve been having heart palpitations. Why? I don’t know, but it hurts. It feels like little butterflies fluttering in your chest, or like your heart is twitching. It isn’t so much painful as it is annoying. I suppose other things can come from having them, despite not generally being life threatening themselves. I guess I’ll be calling the doctor! Again! But which pills are causing it? All of my medication can cause palpitations. Every. Single. One. Am I going to have to stop them? Try something new? They seemed to be working so well and without side effect too!
Now if that wasn’t enough, I was contacted by a friend of mine. Well… he used to be a friend.
Nick was a very close friend of mine who stopped talking to me after he got his girlfriend, Meghan. Now, I really liked both of them, I thought they were great people, and despite what Meghan thought, I thought she was a really cool girl. Well, something happened and she didn’t want Nick to talk to me anymore. That’s fine, I understand, just go be happy. They blocked my on everything – Facebook, Yahoo, MSN, Xbox…
A few months ago, I happened to go on my old Yahoo! account and saw that Nick had left me a message after months and months of no contact. Um, what the hell?! He said it was rude of my to have sent Meghan such nasty messages and I should be ashamed of myself. Okay… I did no such thing, really, I didn’t. I liked her, and I’m not a mean-spirited person, I would never do something like that, even if I was upset. I figured it was probably her sister being a bitch and moved on with my life. I noticed my email had been overrun by spam so I deleted the whole account and left it at that. Well… I found messages in my “other” inbox on Facebook (which I was late with seeing as Facebook now has this stupid “other” thing going on) and it was him using a friend’s account. Once again, why’d you send those messages to Meghan, why’d you do this, have a shitty life, are you not grown up yet? …I was super offended! I never did these things! Why am I being accused?! I can’t contact you in any way! I don’t have your emails, your phone numbers, your Facebooks, nothing! And I LIKED both of you! Just the way everything was said left me feeling super shitty. You’d think someone would realize I’m not like that, and it hurts because he used to be such a good friend. One thing I hate more than anything: being accused of something I never did.
Everything is just piling and piling on. It’s becoming so heavy I’m literally starting to sink.
I don’t like sinking.