Ringing in the New Year

Where does one begin?

The new year represents an end and a beginning. Things I get to finally put behind me and here I stand, with wide, bright eyes, awaiting the start of something new.

This year has been full of ups and downs, some good and some bad. I think this might have been one of the worst years of my life, actually. In an overall perspective, this year was probably more bad than good. Lots of tears were shed, hearts broken (though fixed), and things just didn’t work out how they were supposed to. Even though a lot of bad happened, a lot of good happened too, and I think that things are going to continue to get better. The end of the year seems to have been the turning point for me, things have been falling together and making more sense.

I’ve made so many realizations this year. I understand why I do the things I do, I understand why others do the things they do, and I think after hiding myself away, I’ll finally be able to be free. M had a lot to do with that, a lot of aspects have nothing to do with anyone but him. My family and friends have been very supportive too though.

Do I keep my friends or do I leave them behind?

The more I think about things, the more I question what’s real and what I want. You can’t control people that aren’t you, you can just hope for the best. You have to put those trust issues behind you and just try. I’ve noticed that I like to push people away, not just M, but all of my friends, and my family as well. My friends all have their own lives though, which I don’t know if I fit in anymore, I’m the outsider, which is completely fine with me, I’ll gladly see people every so often, but I think in ways I need to close myself off even more.

I feel as if I’m in a different place than everyone around me is.

I lost Thumper this year, I think that was the hardest thing for me. There were other hard times, in fact, there was a point I walked away from M for 3 months, and those were the hardest months of my entire life. Of course, we found Thumper in that period of time too. I landed myself in the psych ward which was the scariest feeling of all. Feeling trapped with nowhere to run… A butterfly with ripped wings…

But I gained things. I gained a new sense of self, Leah came into my life, my family and I grew stronger, and things with M turned for the better.

I’m hoping that 2013 will bring me something 2012 never gave me. I hope the new year is full of opportunity and excitement. I think I’m going to do that silly jar idea; every time something good happens, write it down and stick it in a jar, just to open it at the end of the year and see what good things happened.

My wish to everyone is that you have a happy new year, a happy life, you have the hope that things do and will get better, and I hope that all of your dreams come true.

Resolutions?

  1. Kick body’s ass
  2. Show M just how much I care
  3. Start living life for me
  4. Get diploma!

My body has definitely been deteriorating and there are certain things I’m afraid of, more like terrified of. I’d like to change things. I don’t expect to be 120lbs or anything, but I want to be healthier, I want to get off the meds, and I want to find a way to be pain-free because being in the amount of pain I’m in now is too much for a 20 year old.

M means the world to me and because of the Disaster, I’ve been living in fear, therefore keeping him out, when really, he should be the only one I let in. I understand more now, I know what needs to be done.

I’m tired of trying to fit other peoples’ moulds, I am me, if you don’t like it, fork off! I’m not going to let being bipolar destroy me either. If I want to do something, it will no longer keep me from doing it.

I’m getting my diploma and that’s that. My high school has finally quit screwing with my life and I can do what needs to be done. Three classes, here we come! Here’s to hoping I survive!

Everyone makes shitty resolutions every year, but I don’t. I make realistic goals that I know I can achieve. I don’t say I’m going to lose all this weight because chances are, it will take me more than a year to lose the 70 lbs I want to lose.

For the first time, I think I’m legitimately happy. I know what I want and I’m putting myself on the path to getting it. I don’t know exactly what I’m doing, but I guess that’s the whole learning experience thing.

I’m ringing in the new year alone, and that’s good, I’ve never been a partier, in fact, I actually dislike drinking. I’ll probably be calling M in a few minutes and celebrating my night talking to him, someone I care about. My parents will probably fall asleep before midnight, lol, if not, I’ll go say happy new year to them. And I think my aunt just drunk texted me…

Happy New Year!

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