Depression

Throughout the years I’ve been alive, there have been times where I’ve been depressed. Very depressed. My high school years were the absolute worst. I was going through so many things, things I couldn’t talk to anyone about, things that no “average” teenager was facing and I was in a downward spiral with no escape or light at the end of the tunnel. For me, it wasn’t just the lack of friends or bullying, it went much deeper than that. Though, the bullying took a huge toll on my life and lead me to a path full of failed suicide attempts. Okay. Years later I find out I’m actually bipolar and these things are all a “normal” part of everyday life for me. Fine, whatever, it happened. I’ve grown and learned about myself (and one day I hope to break the stigma).

But it shouldn’t be “fine, whatever”. My story is my own, I don’t find it as disturbing as others. But this isn’t the point I’m making… not this time.

Being who I am, I find it incredibly easy to sense what others are thinking and feeling, and for the longest time, I’ve had a bad feeling about my brother. My brother is a very smart individual, being 8 years younger than I, I sometimes forget his age completely; he astounds me with his knowledge and insight! As of now, being 12 years old, he’s going into a program for ‘gifted children’ and honestly, I do believe he should be there (despite the laziness, lol).

Unfortunately, since going through it myself, I’ve noticed things in my brother that I really wish I didn’t see (well, and my sister, but hers is different). He doesn’t have any friends, and that’s okay, I spent most of my childhood moving from town to town and didn’t have many friends either, but I realized today that he is depressed. My kid brother, depressed.

Now imagine that, a twelve year old, contemplating suicide, thinking about all the bad in life, and not seeing any good coming from anything. Man, do I ever see myself in him, and boy does it kill me.

At first I thought I was over-thinking, or trying to make myself seem like less of a freak, but tonight is the first night he sat down and talked with me, told me what he was thinking and how he was feeling. Being his older sister, I feel I should be able to do something tremendous to make his life better. I’m thinking, “I went through it, I can help him”, but I feel utterly useless. I know how it is. It’s a hole, a deep, dark hole that, at times, doesn’t feel like it has an escape.

What do I do? How do I help him?

I can’t even help myself…

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2 Comments

  1. You are just beginning your life… and so is your brother. I feel like… well to be honest I hate it that W is there and not here… but perhaps it’s best that he is there… and I have had this thought for a while. W is a healing person, just like I am. It will be okay.

  2. M has helped me a lot with my problems, I love M with all my heart, which is weird being so young, but I’m glad. He’s the only one that’s really stuck through all the problems. I feel like my problems, while not completely sorted, are better. I worry for my brother though, he’s so young and I don’t want him going down the same path I went down. I know people in my life are thankful I’m still alive, I want him to see that we’re thankful he’s alive too.

    I know that you hate W being here. Honestly, as much as I like him, I wish he could be there with you, he’s important to you (and you to him) and any fool can see that! I hope one day you get to embrace each other and never let go! But thank you, I sure hope so. 🙂

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